Winning! (or "Asymmetric terms of victory")

The idea of ‘winning’ is ingrained in us as a culture. We are heavily freedom oriented. We won our freedom from England and maintained it. Immigrants won against oppression or other negative factors to start a better life. We are heavily influenced on this controlled rebellion against authority so much that our national documents were written with it in mind. Our capitalistic economy is built on economic achievement. In the absence of national conquest, we watch our nation’s finest athletes with zeal as they strive for victory. We are a nation of people that like to win.

What is winning?

In a sport, the terms of victory are fixed, and each side understands them. A golfer wins when she has taken fewer strokes than her opponents. A football team wins when they score more touchdowns and points than the other team. The term ‘goal’ is used in multiple sports signifying the objective of the game, and the more goals reached, the better.

In a conflict, ‘winning’ can be a very different thing. We’ve all been in heated arguments where winning means convincing the other person of your viewpoint, or trying to get one’s way. Whether it’s what color to paint the kitchen, or if the Dog’s Playing Poker oil painting stays or goes, winning can mean the outcome of the argument is the way you want things to be.

But winning isn’t always ‘winning’. With wisdom, winning goes from an immediate achievement such as a game, to a long term strategy for success, heavily dependent on calculated accomplishments, occasional yielding to another’s desires, and placing success above just one person’s conditions. The phrase “You may have won the battle but you lost the war!” embodies the failure to grasp this.

For personal protection matters, winning should be considered taking the actions necessary for the long term success of the individual and/or family. This might go beyond physical protection, and extend into avoiding the hassle of conflict (escape, avoidance, and verbal de-escalation).

Asymmetric Terms of Victory

As an example, a crowded parking lot often sees some fairly aggressive driving trying to get close spots at the store. Two people pulling into that spot can lead to an altercation. An aggressive Person 1 feels that the spot is his. His terms of victory are to get that spot, so he can get into the store and buy his Pabst quickly. His actions may be pushing forward with his IROC Z Camaro, honking, rolling down the window and calling names, or even starting some type of physical altercation. For Person 1, the terms of victory are to get that spot.

Person 2 has different terms of victory. He wants to get to the store safely, handle his business with no conflict, and return to his home with no after effects, such as a looming lawsuit or police interaction. With these terms of victory in mind, he backs away from the spot and away from the crazed Person 1, goes and finds another spot, and is simply cautious while in the store in case Person 1 takes the interaction inside.

Who won? Clearly Person 2 met all his criteria for his terms of victory. He remained safe and balanced and was able to avoid escalating a conflict to a level where harm may have been incurred. His actions may have saved a fight and all the legal aftermath that goes with it. Likewise, Person 1 met his terms of victory (although most rational people would think they are ridiculous). He ‘won’ the parking spot and backed down Person 2 and made them drive away. He will likely go brag to his friends and generally use the ‘triumph’ to bolster his ego. And drink his Pabst.

Mental balance

The key to remaining true to one’s own terms of victory is to be mentally well balanced. It is very easy to become emotionally hijacked while someone is yelling at you or even shoving you around. Ego can get in the way so as not to look weak. With practice, a personal protection practitioner can inoculate themselves against stress to a high degree, where the stimuli from an altercation are processed as information coming in rather than emotionally reacted to.

The easiest way to stay mentally balanced is to focus on breathing during a stressful situation. Breath in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, release for 4 counts. This is sometimes called ‘tactical breathing’, and repeating it for 2 or 3 cycles upon feeling anxiety can help ensure logic and cognitive abilities are retained.

Conflict is sometimes chosen and sometimes unavoidable. Staying mentally balanced allows one to remember what is important to them. These ‘terms of victory’ can then be rationally pursued in the conflict rather than succumbing to choosing the other person’s terms of victory. The goal of the personal protector is to keep his circle safe, free from harm, and free from unnecessary liability whenever possible. If a conflict can allow for the protector to extricate his circle from it, the protector takes that option. When the conflict does not allow extrication, the protector takes the necessary steps to ensure his terms of victory.